Review (November 2022, Manuel): “I can feel love again!”
The weekend was a magical experience from beginning to end, I was very impatient the weeks before the retreat, I could hardly wait until it was finally so far, because for me there was only one goal, namely to finally get in touch with Mother Aya.
Then it was finally time, the weekend started with the cocoa ceremony, the purpose is to open the heart, which was a very good introduction for the upcoming ritual. Already during the ceremony some barriers opened in me and one felt more connected, it was a great warmth and I could let myself go noticeably.
On the 2nd day we meditated with the group and did some exercises together for the group spirit, including looking each of the participants in the eye for 1.5 minutes.
At first, when I heard this, I thought ohoo … this might be uncomfortable. I am not someone who has problems looking people in the eye, but to look into the eyes of complete strangers for this time was just a strange feeling for me.
I must say that it then came quite differently: When I looked the 1st person in the eyes, I could feel a connection to this person – and from then on it was no longer negative, but a warm comfortable feeling, so I could get to know the whole group in a non-verbal way.
I liked it very much and from then on we were a collective, the group spirit was fully felt. Some started crying and were able to open up, because this also requires a fair amount of intimacy. You give yourself completely to the other and you let the person look deep into you.
On the same day a bit later the Rapé ritual was initiated, at first I was a bit inhibited…. I’m not a fan of pulling things through my nose…. I already have my problems with snuff… the feeling when I tried it once was just disgusting
But then I decided to do the Rapé ritual and I was surprised, it wasn’t as bad as I expected in the beginning, on the contrary it was a super pleasant feeling digging through my head from nose to neck.
I could feel my brain, it all tingled so much and in a subtle pleasant feel-good way. As the initial effect of Rapé wore off, a blissful feeling flooded through me and my head felt a bit heavy and I was a bit dizzy, as I said all very subtle and pleasant.
Anna was the ritual master (Rapé) and did a great job.
Then was shortly before 15:00 and it went on the target just we took a last small meal (vegetable soup) and I smoked my last cigarette, at that point it was then 6 hours until the Ayahuasca ritual, in the time we could move freely, so walk or sleep or exchange our impressions with each other. The time just did not go fast enough for me, I could not wait.
At some point it was 20:00 and we all gathered in the ceremony room, we were all then explained how Ayahuasca works and what it does with you, basically it cleanses body and mind, the actual work of the plant then begins in the weeks after. (I wasn’t really aware of that before) in any case all questions were answered and it was explained well and in detail what was coming up.
Then it was finally time, it was shortly before 21:00 and we could all individually pick up our glass of ayahuasca, before we were still smoked and should then go to our place.
I held the glass with the greatest impatience in my hands and smelled it and looked at it and thought to myself only now it is finally so far I hold it in my hands. We should wait until everyone has his glass and then drink it together. (was again light torture for me personally)
Then it was time, I held the glass in front of my heart chakra and expressed my wish to Mother Aya, then I took it and poured it down in one go. It tasted really very bitter, other impressions came to me in addition but bitter meets it probably quite well… I had never tasted such a taste before, I would describe it at best still as very very bitter medicine.
After 10 minutes the first participants started to vomit, I was lying there with almost no noticeable effect, I thought to myself be patient, LSD worked for me only after 3 hours, so it could be that I would have to adjust to a similar period of time here… but somehow I hoped that this time it could be different and I am not the exception…
Well, after 1.5 hours I felt except for a slight sedation still no effect, meanwhile almost the whole room has had to vomit well audible and was fully in the process… some have cried others have spoken to something I could at the time still very well perceive everything and have me so bit around to let the impressions on me, then I thought to me hmmmmm with me there is still nothing arrives so really….
As I said it was 1.5 hours and I felt virtually nothing, it was called to the 2nd round and before that I was told if I after the 1st glass and the past time of 1.5 hours can still walk independently I could get me a 2nd glass with a clear conscience. Said done! I and 3 other participants fetched us supplies and I drank my 2nd glass, again I held it in front of my chest and expressed the same desire again, I waited a short time with the lie down and shortly thereafter I lay down again flat and closed my eyes, I waited again patiently for the effect of the brew, but nothing great happened … except that I went to the bathroom 3 times, I was almost sober…
I was frustrated and kind of sad, I just thought to myself, why? Why can’t it go smoothly for once…. I prepared like very few of my group, I took it so seriously and wanted to get the best possible result. But apparently that remains denied to me.
In the meantime 3 hours have passed and the 3rd round was called, no one came forward, not even me…. I thought, if 2 don’t bring anything, I can save the 3rd dose… so I didn’t raise my hand and lay on my side and stewed in my frustration, I thought to myself that it wasn’t worth it anymore. For me it was really hard…. all around me fully in the process and I am as an observer there… so it seemed to me…
Suddenly a hand touched me… I startled slightly and thought WTF? But then it was Christian who had sat down next to me, he said to me * Manuel, would you not rather have a 3rd glass? * As if he knew what I was going through and I didn’t really feel any effect… I said to him that I had already drunk 2 and I didn’t really think that a 3rd glass would improve anything…. He then said that he thought it was necessary, so I said to him, * okay then I’ll have a 3rd glass so what can go wrong… * I really didn’t care at that point I was just frustrated and I didn’t care then either. *
He brought me the 3rd glass and I drank it without wishing for anything or making any gestures, like this * give me the stuff* put the glass away and lay down again. (I was once again the exception and the only one who needed a 3rd glass )
After what felt like half an hour I opened my eyes, suddenly I saw strobe-like points of light in the whole room (green blue red) I just thought … is here somewhere a laser from the disco ? And then suddenly everything went very fast … I had to throw up all of a sudden… the feeling came out of nowhere… in my whole belly it grumbled and bubbled, I asked myself … there is nothing more in it, the diet the few but healthy food and the already 3 sessions on the toilet should have taken everything out of me.
I bent over the bucket and puke a pitch black but clear (not foamy) liquid out, Oh you shit has tasted disgusting and smelled…. I can not describe it with words, what that was for an abysmal Plörre, it was pitch black broth that came out of me… Ayahuasca tasted like a cocktail with sugar on the rim.
Then I lay down with the inner caution that there could possibly still come something… a few minutes later I got the feeling to go to the toilet, when I opened my eyes the whole room was blue…. Blue lights that illuminated the walls, I then asked the person who had to help me to the toilet (could no longer walk independently) whether the police would be at the door … because it has to go out the same way as if the house was surrounded by blue lights … (slightly jokingly she said to me, No there is no police in front of the door) then I had to grin briefly and I realized what’s going on here.
After I was on the toilet (altogether 6 times in this evening) and again to my place was brought back I noticed these blue lights like already before, only this time patterns were to be recognized in these blue lights… the meander thus the running dog.
I lay down and closed my eyes, while the eyes were closed I did not experience as much light spectrum as when my eyes were open… but suddenly an image appeared in front of me …. It was my mom and she looked at me, I could see her clearly, suddenly the image changed … my mom became an old Indian woman with feather ornaments and all the trimmings, whose gaze met me, I somehow winced and opened my eyes, the image then no longer came and leaves me until now with question marks, I can at this time no real explanation to form.
I suspect it was Mother Aya because I saw my mother and then a completely different person (Indian old woman).
But maybe I will get more info about this, because new impressions and changes are coming into my life every day.
At night at 02:00 the official ceremony was over and the music was turned off, I lay there until 03:00 and let myself drift.
Already on Sunday shortly before the departure and after the common group sharing we made ourselves then on the way home and I must always describe in addition the condition before so that you can understand what and how it changed for me.
I am an overthinker and can only concentrate with difficulty in such group activities, I am quickly bored and drift off into thought… as that is just so as an overthinker… but as the people told their experiences I could amazingly listen very well and there was not a moment where I drifted off mentally, I was fully and completely with the thing. I felt already there an order and silence in my head … which otherwise smokes only so before loud trains of thought. That was the first thing I noticed.
I am a very aggressive driver, even if I am not in time pressure I drive like the last sow, what the car gives just… if someone drives in front of me on the left lane and brakes me out then I force this person so long until he makes way… I then drive up to half a meter to his bumper ran and yes … there are only a few who let me do that to them and then get out of the way …
On the way home I noticed that in me a deep serenity spreads and I can drive for me the 1st time quite relaxed. I had no more desire to force people for no reason. My co-driver has also noticed that I am much more relaxed than on the outward journey. I simply had no more pressure, it was okay for me if someone was in front of me, then I just waited until he made room of his own accord without stress.
That was the second thing I noticed, I had suddenly looked at it from the point of view that it is good not to endanger people unnecessarily including me and my passenger.
It was already agreed that I would come to my mom for breakfast on Monday, I was especially looking forward to a cup of coffee (it was Sunday).
When I woke up Monday then I drove right Frühs to my mom to Frühstücken, the 1st thing my mom offered me was a cup of coffee ^^ and I found it at the time already remarkable because I somehow no longer had a desire for coffee, I let them still make me one and drank a sip, I did not really taste it, after two more sips I then poured away the cup, I just did not want to drink more coffee, as if something in me would not want that anymore. And I don’t know if you can understand it through that, but for me it was quite clear that something is different here, you know yourself quite well and I also said to the other participants that I’m looking forward to the cup of coffee on Monday.
After we had breakfast we went for a smoke and I told my mom about my weekend, when I got to the part about the retreat itself (Saturday) I had to start crying terribly.
(back story to this)
I have had to experience and go through a lot in my life, especially the last few years, I have absorbed almost everything and not even evaluated most of it, like taking something and putting it in a box. I have always perceived myself as hard and cool so in that way nothing can pull me down or reach me at all.
The last years the same, nothing can bring me from the rest and emotions are what for weaklings, but I am strong.
In any case, I told my mom about it and something came up in me at that moment, it wasn’t sadness, it was like redemption from myself. Shortly after that I left and got into the car to drive around a bit, it was beautiful weather, I wanted to take advantage of that.
I drove out of the village and looked up at the sky towards the sun, it was the most beautiful gigantic clouds I have seen in a long time, and the sight hit me like a bomb…. suddenly there was such an extreme warmth in me and especially in my heart chakra region…. I had to start crying again, it touched me sooo extremely this sheer sight of the clouds and the touch of the sun… that I cried intensely for a beaten half hour, I drove with 60kmh through the area and again and again the look to the sun and the clouds, the feeling I felt was that the sun tells me that it also shines for me and it is okay if I allow and show my emotions. That felt so good, at some point I drove home and I felt super good, released, freed from what felt like everything I had to experience the last years and early youth. All the dams in me broke and I could let it out.
I really wanted to go into nature then, my favorite forest immediately came into my head, so that’s where I’m going now, the felt connection to nature was much stronger than usual, I’m a real forest goer and love to spend my time there, the feeling was 100x stronger than usual, I looked at and perceived everything much more closely, I felt connected and perceived the forest and nature with a much stronger awareness… everything is alive and connected and there for me when I need it.
Even then tears kept coming and I had to cry, yet my head was clear and not flooded with old or unnecessary thoughts as it usually was.
I said before the retreat that I would start smoking weed again as soon as I got home…. because I don’t want to give it up, because it’s good for me and I just like it. Like someone enjoys his beer in the evening … I enjoy my joint in the evening…. And actually I thought that I would treat myself to a joint again directly on Sunday evening or then on Monday… Until now it wasn’t the case, I don’t want to, I have no desire to. That doesn’t mean that I will never do it again, but currently I just don’t want to, to stay on the receiving end … I don’t want to seal myself off now and spend my evenings like before. I would much rather go out into nature or meet with people who are good for me.
Before the retreat I had a frozen pizza in the freezer and I wanted to make it on Monday evening because it is simply delicious…. but when the time came, I felt something inside me again… actually I would not like that at all. Much rather I would cook me what healthy, hardly was the thought through my head, I drove to the supermarket and bought me fresh vegetables and made me a rice that tasted suuuuper … The pizza is still in the freezer now and I just don’t feel like it…. No matter how tasty I talked myself into it before.
It doesn’t excite me one bit more….
Yesterday I was shopping again and I have been led as if by magic hand past all what I have bought me otherwise so, much rather I wanted to get me again what healthy for my fridge and I made me yesterday my 1st salad…. I was so looking forward to making a salad…. I go now much more consciously through the shelves and buy me only where I have a feeling that it is also good for me…. As if Aya would tell me, don’t waste it, what I got out of you was the reason for your physical problems… feed on me from mother nature…
I still don’t feel like eating meat… at all.
These are the impressions and changes I feel in my own body…. I feel in me a kind of sensor that tells me what I should leave and what is good for me.
This makes me so happy because now I have a plan of what I can and cannot do.
I am very grateful for myself and my life and can feel love again….
If that is not something great!